Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
