Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
