My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
