I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
