My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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