my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
