I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
