oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
