we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
How does it feel to date your dad?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
