I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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