why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
