Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize