it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
