I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
