She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
