New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize