someone owes me an orgasm
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Randomize
