I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I have feelings that need drinking.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
