direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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