I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize