The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
