Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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