Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
