Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
