This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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