dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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