Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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