ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
