I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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