What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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