there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
