The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
