8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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