I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
