you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The beer is more important than you right now.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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