I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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