At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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