Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I love having hate sex.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize