I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
