they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
