i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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