Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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