We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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