What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
