I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize