So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
that may or may not have been my penis.
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