I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
