I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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