found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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