So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
