my room smells like sperm. sweet.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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