I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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