I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I want a musical about memes.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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