seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Is Oprah even human
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
