she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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