If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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