I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
