Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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