I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
