Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
