So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
