True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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