If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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