Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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