Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize