Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
