the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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