Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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