Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
