Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
