my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
